I’ve been lost for words

And not lost for any word… because I have enough raging emotions inside that could fuel an army tank and unload on everything in sight. But that comes from a painful place. A hurt and angry place. A place I’ve been trying to remove myself from because it’s not a healing place. It’s not a place of home. It’s not a place of Jahahd. He represents a happy place, so I will speak from there. I will write from there. I will dance and move as he did… from a creative space… a blessed place filled with love, freedom and inspiration.

I’ve been lost for words

Because Jahahd made me an uncle for the first time. A god father for the first time. And, made me think about fatherhood for the first time. My son could be just like him, I would think many moments as I’d playfully toss him into a pile of pillows or let him fall asleep on my chest as I watched television. I was probably around 15 years old and he, 2 or 3. Those past moments have become more precious than ever and I cry because I don’t want to ever forget them.

I’ve been lost for words

Because the last time I saw Jahahd, was at my niece’s sweet sixteen party. We took pictures and we laughed all night. I’m grateful that we had that last time together as a family. I’m grateful that my mother made us squeeze into that tiny photo booth for a family picture even though I was complaining – it was too tight and we all couldn’t fit. I’m grateful that Jahahd enjoyed running behind me for a hug because he knew I didn’t like hugs… my discomfort amused him the same way others discomforts amused me. Teasing each other was our way of showing love. And, if I knew that was the last time I was going to see him, I would’ve let him hug me much much longer.

I’ve been lost for words

And as I have sat under the sun and the moon in Madrid writing this, searching for the right words to say, I am under the same sky as all of you. The same stars and the same clouds. We’ve come together to share in this same moment and experience, right now, this very moment, this is tremendous. What feels like more of a colossal shift in our worlds. This has been my biggest heart break. I can’t imagine life without my nephew in it because there was so much left for us to all enjoy and still live through. I know eventually we will be ok… and he will always be with us. I have reflected a lot from this, all of which I will share another time. But the one thing I would end with is:

“No matter the state of this world. The hardest thing to do is to live in it. So we should live. So let’s live. We should love. So let’s love. We should dance and we should create and express and paint the sky whatever we want it to be, and be whatever we want to be with passion and flight, fearlessly.” Like Jahahd.

I will forever miss Jahahd. I will forever love Jahahd. Thank you all for being here.

– Chaz